Whoa I fail epically! scatterheart translated this for me a long time ago for Sweet Charity, but somehow due to my epic fail I either never saw it or forgot about it. :( :( But here it is finally! It's a German translation of my second-person John/Rodney blowjob porn, How to distract your scientist when he's not paying any attention to you. Haha, enjoy!

Titel: Wie man seinen Wissenschaftler ablenkt, wenn er dich nicht beachtet
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Character(s)/Pairing(s): John/Rodney
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 1707
Übersetzer: scatterheart
Danksagung: Dank an let_fate_decide und waterofthemoon für den Beta.
Disclaimer: Ich wünschte, Rodney und John würden mir gehören. Leider tun sie das nicht.

Notes: Diese Story schwirrte mir im Kopf rum, seit ich vor einiger Zeit dieses Bild sah. Dann machte ich das Bild zu meinen Desktop-Hintergund und wurde im Unterricht ständig von nicht jugendfreien Ideen abgelenkt, und jetzt habe ich sie endlich erfolgreich auf's Papier gebracht. Vielleicht kann ich mich jetzt auch wieder auf die Schule konzentrieren. ;p Oh, und ich glaube, das ist das erste Mal, dass ich in der zweiten Person geschrieben habe? Die Geschichte wollte sich einfach nicht anders schreiben lassen.

Als du dich nach vorne beugst, stößt du dir den Kopf am Tisch, ein, zwei Mal, und du zuckst zusammen, aber irgendwie schaffst du es doch in eine gute Stellung zwischen Rodneys gespreizten Beinen. Langsam lässt du deine Hände seine Oberschenkel hinaufwandern, deine Balance mit festem Griff haltend, und deine Daumen pressen in das weiche Fleisch der Innenseite seiner Schenkel, streicheln in kleinen Halbkreisen, während du dich hinaufbewegst. Der Stoff von Rodneys Hose schiebt sich gegen deine Finger und Daumen, als du dich hinaufarbeitest, erhebt sich in kleinen Falten, über die du deine Finger ziehst.

Seit einer halben Stunde versuchst du, McKay abzulenken, mit wenig Erfolg.Collapse )
Disclaimer: The following entry is INCREDIBLY PICTURE-HEAVY! You've been warned! Also, I didn't take any of these pictures myself. They're all snagged from various places around the internet.

This picspam is wildly overdue. About a year ago, zed_pm bid on me for the second-to-last Sweet Charity auction and requested I make an objectification picspam for John Sheppard in the same vein as my prior Rodney McKay one. Unfortunately, life decided that was not meant to be and started piling the obligations on me. And then SGA ended and suddenly I found it painful to sit and stare at John Sheppard's face for hours on end, pining for my show. So, time passed. Finally, though, enough healing had taken place that I was once again able to drool over John Sheppard without feeling ~too~ much angst.

Unfortunately, John Sheppard has lots and lots of extremely pretty body parts. x__x Hence, this picspam is kind of, um, long. Please don't tell Rodney; he'll be jealous Sheppard's is longer than his. *cough cough* (Actually, I'm pretty sure Rodney would be too distracted to notice or care.)

AND SO! I present you with a completely gratuitous objectification of various parts of John Sheppard (/Joe Flanigan)'s body, in which I treat John/Joe like an object and show absolutely no respect for him as a human being. ;3

title banner

One of these days I will learn the meaning of 'shame'Collapse )
Title: Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun
Fandom: Merlin
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Merlin/Arthur
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 3416
Notes: Written for [info - community] kink_bingo for the prompt "double penetration (two holes)." Crack, crack, crackity crack crack. Super-thanks to [info - personal] glitterandlube, slartibartfast, and metalphoenix for the betas, and to [info - personal] toft for brainstorming help & encouragement! ♥
Disclaimer: I am not the BBC.

FYI: I may have played a little fast and loose with snake reproductive biology, but the basics are (mostly) accurate. Male snakes have two phallic sex organs, called hemipenes, which are usually held inverted inside the body. In the inverted state, they appear from the outside to be identical to a female snake's cloaca (but the cavities are not as deep). This is all you really need to know! *cough*

"Merlin, you idiot!" comes a furious voice from behind him, and Merlin whips his head around just in time to see one of the snakes strike. He recoils and is startled at just how fast he can move, darting out of reach and pulling his body taut into its own striking position.

Wait, he thinks, looking at the golden-colored serpent, and freezes. "Arthur?"


It's just another ordinary day in Camelot.Collapse )
Title: Fully Charged
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Character(s)/Pairing(s): ZPM/Rodney/John
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 1029
Notes: Yayyyy I finally wrote this particular PWP fic for myself! XD And also for [info - community] kink_bingo for the prompt "object penetration (unusual objects)." Thanks to midnightbex & ariadne83 for betaing.
Disclaimer: I'm not SyFy.


Pretty much exactly what the pairing would implyCollapse )
john wants to make love to you sexually
Title: Minty Fresh
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Character(s)/Pairing(s): John/Rodney
Rating: R
Word Count: 1044
Contains: Crack, pudding, A Surprise Gift, and "John Sheppard: sulky teenager trapped in a forty-year-old’s body" (as my beta summarized so well).
Notes: I actually wrote most of this story a while ago, but I can't remember what it was for. In any case, it's now for [info - community] kink_bingo & the prompt "rimming/felching." Thanks to ariadne83 for the speedy beta!
Disclaimer: Still not SyFy (thankfully).


In which John perseveres, and Rodney talks with food in his mouth.Collapse )
Title: Dawn of the Tentacle
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Dawn, (Dawn/Kenny)
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 1604
Spoilers: Set immediately following issue #25 of BtVS Season Eight, with major spoilers for that issue, and minor spoilers for previous issues.
Notes: Written for [info - community] kink_bingo for the prompt "tentacles." Many thanks to betas midnightbex and metalphoenix!
Disclaimer: I'm not Joss Whedon, Dark Horse Comics, or the CW.

Dawn pads through the halls to her room. There are a few Slayers up and about, but none of them take note of her, which is fine with her right now. She closes the bedroom door behind her, and turns around.

"Finally," she says, smiling lasciviously. "Alone at last."


Tentaculate, Tentaculiform, TentaculiferousCollapse )
Title: Can't Touch This
Fandom: Pushing Daisies
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Ned/Chuck
Rating: PG
Length: 1:39
Artist/Song: MC Hammer - Can't Touch This
Spoilers: Incidental spoilers for S1-2, major spoilers for pilot episode

Download links, streaming video, and notes under the cutCollapse )
Title: Slow ride, take it easy
Fandom: DC Universe
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Kon/Bart
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 1661
Notes: Written for [info - community] kink_bingo for the prompt "bondage (held down)." Contains, quite obviously, what that prompt would imply! (Oh, and also slight facial.) Set sometime during those nebulous early Teen Titan v3 days. Many thanks to betas midnightbex and fonz. Also, fyi, the title becomes extremely hilarious if you listen to the Foghat song's lyrics and try to apply them to Kon and Bart. XD
Disclaimer: I am not DC, because if I were, Bart/Tim/Kon would be eternally living in a happy angst-free sex paradise.

Kon stares at him. "Do I even want to know where you learned about safewords?"

Bart's grin morphs into a smirk and he tries to wriggle up against Kon, but Kon holds him down firmly, and Bart smirks even more. "I did read through the entire San Francisco public library," he says.


The problem with having sex with Bart is that he won't hold still.Collapse )
Title: Bcc:
Fandom: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Eight/Six
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 1124
Notes: metalphoenix wanted some Eight/Six, so I wrote this smut for her and in return she beta'd it for me. I'm also counting it for [info - community] kink_bingo for the prompt "anonymous sex." It's been a while since I watched BSG, so hopefully this doesn't have any huge errors in it. :3
Disclaimer: I am not SyFy (nor would I want to be).
Contains: Spoilers for late season four.


'This isn't what any of us wanted'Collapse )
Title: Stars shining bright above you
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Medium(s): Digital & Paper
Prompt: "Amnesia," for [info - community] kink_bingo
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Rodney/John, Teyla, Ronon
Rating: R
Word Count: 1165
Contains: Slight angst


art teaser

Full-sized art/fic, notes, and disclaimer under the cutCollapse )
Note: This is the accessible text-only version of the story for art/fic "Stars shining bright above you." For art & art/fic headers, please see the main entry first.

Accessible text-only story version under the cutCollapse )
Title: Clean Cuts
Fandom: Dexter
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Brian/Deb
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 527
Notes: Yeah, yeah. So I picked the obvious character for this prompt. Sue me! ;p Written for [info - community] kink_bingo for the prompt "amputee fetishism." Thanks to betas midnightbex and metalphoenix.
Disclaimer: Showtime owns them.
Spoilers: Season one
Contains: Uh, gore and creepiness? :3


Chainsaws are messy creatures.Collapse )
Title: "Three lousy years"
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Reid/(Hotch)
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 562
Notes: Ficlet! Written for [info - community] kink_bingo for the prompt "humiliation (verbal)." Thanks to betas midnightbex and metalphoenix!
Disclaimer: I don't own them.
Spoilers: For the episode L.D.S.K. in season one.
Contains: Fantasies of verbal assault, mention of staged physical assault.


When Hotch comes to him and apologises, Reid knows, logically, he's being sincere.Collapse )
Title: Silly Sappy Drunken Strip Durak
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Character(s)/Pairing(s): John/Rodney & Teyla
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1532
Notes: Way way way overdue Sweet Charity ficlet for tallihensia! I decided to fuse the "TEAM STRIP DURAK!!" prompt with the "drunkenness" prompt. XD It's, uh, pretty much exactly what the title implies. Set way back in SGA S1! Thanks to metalphoenix for looking it over for me. (Oh yeah, and Durak is a popular Russian card game. Works really well in the strip version!)
Disclaimer: Still not Sci-Fi Syphilis SyFy! Whatever they're calling themselves now.

''You've still got pants on,'' John said loudly, pointing at Rodney's thighs.Collapse )
Title: Slow Joe Crow sews Knox's cock in box now
Fandom: Fox in Socks, by Dr. Seuss (aka my favorite book EVARRRR!)
Medium(s): Ink on bristol board, colored digitally
Prompt: "Bondage (other)," for [info - community] kink_bingo (warning: potentially dub-con)
Rating: NC-17


Full-sized art, notes, and disclaimer under the cutCollapse )

P.S. Does anyone have any idea of a community I could pimp this in? XD
Title: A home is a place to rest your feet
Fandom: Weeds
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Nancy/Andy
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 1383
Notes: Written for [info - community] kink_bingo for the prompt "foot fetish." Weeds isn't one of my usual fandoms but this prompt just fit way too well. Thank you darling beta midnightbex!
Disclaimer: I am not Showtime.
Spoilers: Set vaguely sometime during season four, with spoilers for same.

"Right," says Andy. "Must learn to take Mexican gangsters and their drug tunnels, which apparently now smuggle things in addition to drugs, less seriously. I'll put it on my to-do list." He clears his throat, then points down at himself. "Your feet are in my lap."

"So they are," says Nancy, moving one on top of Andy's left thigh and sliding it back and forth, gripping at his khaki pants with her toes.


Come on in and put your feet up!Collapse )
Title: Clysterfuck
Fandom: Merlin
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Merlin/Arthur
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 4830
Notes: Written for [info - community] kink_bingo for the prompt "enemas," with bonus bottom!Arthur kink. A first attempt at Merlin fandom and at enemas, though I think I might write more of this combination. :3 Lots of magical sparkles to wonderful betas midnightbex and __rini! Banner made by [personal profile] eruthros.
Disclaimer: I am not the BBC.

FYI: "'Clyster' is an old-fashioned word for enema, more particularly for enemas administered using a clyster syringe — that is, a syringe with a rectal nozzle and a plunger." [source: Wikipedia] A clyster syringe looks like this.

"Okay, so then the syringe must go--" And suddenly there was silence from behind Arthur, and he was almost tempted to turn around to make sure Merlin was still there, when he heard Merlin say in a much fainter voice: "Oh."

At that, Arthur could not resist turning to see Merlin's face, so he did so; his pasty servant was redder than Arthur could remember seeing him in recent times, a kind of panic seemingly growing inside his eyes.


I don't see what's so hard to understand. You do know what a clyster is, don't you?Collapse )
Title: Hot Town (Summer in the City)
Fandom: Live Free or Die Hard
Character(s)/Pairing(s): John/Matt
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 1734
Notes: Written for [info - community] kink_bingo (my first Kink Bingo story ever!) for the prompt "temperature play." Also includes unconventional object insertion and mild bondage play (being held down). Thank you very much to awesome betas midnightbex and lienne!
Disclaimer: I'm poor and in no way resemble Bruce Willis or any of the other people involved in making this film. (Well, okay, except for sometimes being bald.)

"Fuck! McClane!" Matt tried to jump away from the abrupt shock of wet coldness on his neck, but John's hand pushed down harder and held him back against the couch.

"Thought you said you wanted a cold beer," John whispered against the top of Matt's ear as he rolled the bottle across the back of Matt's neck and up into his hairline, leaving droplets of condensation behind, trickling down past the collar of Matt's t-shirt.


Hey kid, you want a beer?Collapse )
So earlier to-night I was having a comment thread with busaikko about how I couldn't conceive of how anyone could easily (without putting in a ton more work graphic editing or something) produce a podfic/vid version of my cookie porn.

And busaikko was all, "I AM GOING TO PROVE YOU WRONG," and then proceeded to do so! And I got a free awesome podfic/vid out of the deal! How do I rate?? I tell you, I am spoiled. :3

So anyway, a podfic/vid reading of my cookie porn, hopefully suitable for viewage on ipods!:


Reader/Video-Compiler: busaikko
Fic: The Epic Tale of Rodney & John, Two Girl Scout Cookies in Love [The Pix or it Didn't Happen Remix]
Character(s)/Pairing(s): John/Rodney
Rating: R
Contains: AU, cookie porn, crumbs, strong language, extreme crackiness.
Disclaimer: I own nothing of import and neither I nor busaikko profit from this.
Length: 9:37

File Type/Size: mp4 (37.9MB)
Link: On DivShare

File Type/Size: avi (100.69MB) [busaikko doesn't know why it turned out so big, sorry!]
Link: On DivShare


My favorite parts are the porn noises. And the *SPLOODGE*! Oh, I die. ♥♥

P.S. busaikko may be uploading some other formats as well, but if there is one you really have your heart set on, let me know and I'll pass it on.

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