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Title: The Epic Tale of Rodney & John, Two Girl Scout Cookies in Love [The Pix or it Didn't Happen Remix]
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Rodney/John
Rating: R
Warnings: Cookie porn, crumbs, strong language, extreme crackiness. Very image-heavy. No spoilers.
Word Count: ~1250 (in text and 80 pictures)
Disclaimer: The Stargate franchise belongs to MGM. Girl Scout cookies belong to Girl Scouts of the USA. Characters and cookie brands belong to their respective owners and creators. I don't own the Little Brownie Bakers bakery. This remix was written with the permission of the original authors. Many elements were borrowed from their original version. Elements and dialogue new to this version of the story, along with the photographs, are mine. I'm not making any money off this.
Original story: the epic love of two cookies from different sides of the baking rack, by rain_dances and minor_fifth

Thank-yous: Oh gods, so many people have given me feedback and encouragement on this. General thanks to pretty much everyone on my flist, especially metalphoenix, inlaterdays, __rini, let_fate_decide, makesomelove, dana_shulps, paperbinned, mistress_mab, and anyone else I forgot due to being a moron. Gosh, I'm so needy. ;p

Teaser:
And John apparently was really cool -- at least, according to all the other Samoas. It was actually quite disgusting.

[picture: teaser]

---








~~The Epic Tale of Rodney & John, Two Girl Scout Cookies in Love [The Pix or it Didn't Happen Remix]~~









Once upon a time, there was a box of Girl Scout cookies.


[picture: 1]


Now, Samoas are pretty complex: a vanilla cookie covered with caramel and coconut and chocolate. Not everybody likes them (even though they're actually the second most popular Girl Scout cookie). Some people just don't get Samoas, or think they're a bit too much.


Our story is about one particular Samoa. We'll call him:


[picture: 2]


[picture: 3]


[picture: 4]


Almost everyone likes Thin Mints. They seem outwardly simple, and people think they can eat a ton of them without getting full (but appearances can be deceiving).


Now, generally, Girl Scout cookies are segregated by variety. Samoas hang out with Samoas, Trefoils with Trefoils, Thin Mints with their fellow (slutty) Thin Mints, and so on. It's always been this way.


Until:


[picture: 5]


[picture: 6]


[picture: 7]


[picture: 8]


[picture: 9]


[picture: 10]


[picture: 11]


And John apparently was really cool -- at least, according to all the other Samoas. It was actually quite disgusting.


[picture: 12]


But strangely, John didn't seem all that interested in the simpering hordes.


[picture: 13]


[picture: 14]


[picture: 15]


[picture: 16]


Rodney was really far too busy to waste his time on an air-headed, wafer-thin, minty bimbo. Yet, for some indiscernible reason, the Thin Mint seemed set on spending all his time with Rodney.


[picture: 17]


But John just kept following him, so that didn't really work. Finally, Rodney broke, and demanded to know:


[picture: 18]


And John answered:


[picture: 19]


[picture: 20]


[picture: 21]


John's chocolate coating shined as he replied:


[picture: 22]


[picture: 23]


Rodney felt his own chocolate stripes soften as heat flushed across his surface.


[picture: 24]


After that, Rodney didn't mind John following him around very much.


[picture: 25]


(Though thankfully they weren't literally inseparable, as that kind of thing was generally the result of a bakery production line malfunction.)


As the two cookies spent more and more time together, Rodney found himself starting to worry about John's well-being, while previously he had only been concerned with his own.


[picture: 26]


[picture: 27]


But John just bumped up against Rodney and said:


[picture: 28]


[picture: 29]


[picture: 30]


[picture: 31]


[picture: 32]


[picture: 33]


[picture: 34]


After that, the little touches between them grew more frequent. John would casually bump up against Rodney, or Rodney would lightly brush past John's flat side.


[picture: 35]


And things continued in that fashion, until one day, when John and Rodney were lounging together as usual, disaster struck:


[picture: 36]


[picture: 37]


[picture: 38]


[picture: 39]


[picture: 40]


[picture: 41]


[picture: 42]


[picture: 43]


After that, things between Rodney and John became more fevered.


[picture: 44]


But somehow, it still wasn't enough.


[picture: 45]


[picture: 46]


[picture: 47]


[picture: 48]


And so they had sex.




...




(Aw, you didn't think I was going to leave that part out, did you?)



John slid his mini marshmallow phallus into Rodney's hole slowly, pressing snugly against the stripes of chocolate. Rodney's breath hitched with each slight thrust John made forward.


[picture: 49]


[picture: 50]


[picture: 51]


[picture: 52]


[picture: 53]


[picture: 54]


[picture: 55]


[picture: 56]


[picture: 57]


[picture: 58]


But all Girl Scout cookies come with an expiration date...


[picture: 59]


[picture: 60]


[picture: 61]


[picture: 62]


[picture: 63]


[picture: 64]


[picture: 65]


[picture: 66]


[picture: 67]


[picture: 68]


[picture: 69]


And there, it seems, our story draws to a close.


Except not really:


[picture: 70]


[picture: 71]


[picture: 72]


[picture: 73]


[picture: 74]


[picture: 75]


[picture: 76]


[picture: 77]


[picture: 78]


[picture: 79]


[picture: 80]




---

Post-Production Notes: John and Rodney were not harmed in the making of this story. (In fact, they're currently living in my freezer, because I couldn't bring myself to eat them.) However, the same can't be said for all the other cookies. (Quite a few stunt doubles suffered untimely deaths in my mouth.) Also, sadly, I only had Thin Mints and Samoas to work with, so we didn't get to meet Carson the Trefoil, Elizabeth the All About, Teyla the Cinna-spin, Ford the Tagalong, Ronon the Aloha Chip, Lorne the Do-si-do, or Sam the Lemon Chalet Creme. (Some of you might point out that Aloha Chips have been discontinued for quite some time. That's right, they're just like the Satedans! Oh, snap.)

Yay, I'm so glad this is now done! It only took up about 3.5 weeks of my life, but somehow it seems a lot longer. I thoroughly enjoyed the entire process, of course.

Also, I made icons. (It's all metalphoenix's fault.)


There is now a podfic/vid version of this read by busaikko. Also have a very cute fanart by MisterAcrilico.


ETA 1.75 years later: Woo I won an award!:
[picture: McShep Awards 2008 Crack!fic 1st Place Banner]

Comments

( 1014 Comments — Comment )
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fonz
Mar. 26th, 2008 11:16 pm (UTC)
I WAS EATING THINMINTS LIKE FIVE SECONDS AGO OH MY GOD
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 12:48 am (UTC)
OMG

GET JOHN OUT OF YOUR MOUTH THIS INSTANT!
(no subject) - hellpenguin - Mar. 28th, 2008 03:46 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - fonz - Mar. 28th, 2008 03:49 am (UTC) - Expand
let_fate_decide
Mar. 26th, 2008 11:22 pm (UTC)
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH, BUT YOU KNOW THAT ALREADY! <33333

(I have labeled this userpic as "epic cookie love" btw.)
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 12:51 am (UTC)
I LOVE YOU!!! And heeheehee thanks for commenting even though I already made you read it a zillion times and tell me about it over IM. XD You're so good to me. ♥
(Deleted comment)
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 12:56 am (UTC)
GODDAMNIT NOW FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE ANY DAY I DON'T POST SOMETHING AWESOME I AM GOING TO BE AFRAID OF LOSING YOUR LOVE D=
makesomelove
Mar. 26th, 2008 11:25 pm (UTC)
I LOVE THIS FOREVER
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 12:58 am (UTC)
DO YOU LOVE IT AS MUCH AS KELLER LOVES BEECHER???

(Okay, I'll admit, I just wanted an excuse to use my SGA/Oz icon to reply to you.)

*SPLOODGE*
katieupsidedown
Mar. 26th, 2008 11:27 pm (UTC)
THIS IS TRULY EPIC.

I STILL LOVE WHEN THEY PUSH THEIR NON-FLAT SIDES TOGETHER. IT IS STRANGELY ADORABLE.
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 01:00 am (UTC)
HEEHEEHEE THANKS FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME TALKING ABOUT MY COOKIE PORN IN A FANDOM YOU'RE NOT IN XD

AND I'M GLAD YOU LIKED IT LOL
(no subject) - katieupsidedown - Mar. 27th, 2008 01:20 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - bitter_crimson - Mar. 27th, 2008 01:25 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - katieupsidedown - Mar. 27th, 2008 01:37 am (UTC) - Expand
inlaterdays
Mar. 26th, 2008 11:32 pm (UTC)
I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE THIS

THE MINI-MARSHMALLOWS JUST SLAY ME :D
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 01:01 am (UTC)
THANK YOU MY DARLING LID!

May I resuscitate you with some mouf-to-mouf now?
(no subject) - inlaterdays - Mar. 27th, 2008 01:13 am (UTC) - Expand
gaffsie
Mar. 26th, 2008 11:49 pm (UTC)
YOU MADE ME READ COOKIE PORN, AND *LOVE* IT.
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 01:03 am (UTC)
YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE I TIED YOU DOWN AND PARADED THE SEXING COOKIES BEFORE YOUR EYES!

Hmmm, I may have to store that idea away for later...

Thank you! \o/
(no subject) - gaffsie - Mar. 27th, 2008 06:03 am (UTC) - Expand
trixxanna
Mar. 26th, 2008 11:50 pm (UTC)
*glomp* I love you having the genius and cracked mind to think this through so well.
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 01:02 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! =D I'm glad you enjoyed my crack, bwahaha.
kashmir1
Mar. 26th, 2008 11:51 pm (UTC)
OH MY GOD THIS IS TRULY A THING OF BEAUTY. \o/

IN TRIBUTE, I AM GOING TO EAT SOME TREFOILS AND POSSIBLY SAMOAS.
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 01:06 am (UTC)
I AM SO DISTRESSED, I AM ALL OUT OF COOKIES. D= I HAD TWO BOXES OF THIN MINTS A WEEK AGO BUT NOW THEY ARE ALL GONE. AND OBVSLY I CANNOT EAT RODNEY AND JOHN! I MEAN, *GASP*!

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I'M GLAD YOU LIKED IT, BB! XD
glitterisblue
Mar. 26th, 2008 11:53 pm (UTC)
OMG this is THE MOST BRILLIANT THING EVER!!!

Seriously! LMAO OH GOD! I couldnt stop myself from finishing reading this and I'm at work!
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 01:08 am (UTC)
Hahaha, I hope the porny bits were not too explicit for your work! All that cookie nudity, y'know... ;)

Thanks for reading!
clear_as_blood
Mar. 26th, 2008 11:53 pm (UTC)
This is so wonderfully cracked out. You've totally made my day.
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 01:10 am (UTC)
Joys! I am pleased I was able to do so. =D
aurora_84
Mar. 26th, 2008 11:56 pm (UTC)
HOLY SHIT I LOVE YOU! The mini marshmallows!! That's where I lost it completely.
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 01:13 am (UTC)
They were even stale! So they would stay hard, that way. ;D ;D

Thanks for reading!
d_odyssey
Mar. 26th, 2008 11:59 pm (UTC)
OMG, that was the best use of girl scout cookies ever! I just had some thin mints and lemon cookies (which remind me of Rodney). The mini-marshmallows and non-flat sides - pure genius. I snorted my Diet Coke. It is dangerous to read and drink. This was hilarious and imaginative - love it! Thanks and since you have John and Rodney, it is safe to eat Thin Mints and Samoas now, right?
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 01:20 am (UTC)
Hee, yes, it's okay to eat Thin Mints and Samoas! John and Rodney are tucked safely away in my freezer where no harm will come to them. ;)

And I'm so glad you enjoyed this! Although I am sorry about the Coke-snorting. Haha, I hate it when things come out my nose. XD
(no subject) - valoryhope - Nov. 3rd, 2008 02:49 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - bitter_crimson - Nov. 3rd, 2008 02:59 am (UTC) - Expand
unamaga
Mar. 26th, 2008 11:59 pm (UTC)
CRYING. BEST EVER. SO MOVING!!!!
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 01:27 am (UTC)
*wipes away your tears*

THANK YOU, I'M HOPING FOR AN EMMY! XD
paperbinned
Mar. 26th, 2008 11:59 pm (UTC)
You, my dear, are an artistic genius.
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 01:09 am (UTC)
*blushes all red and tucks chin into chest*

mirasol
Mar. 27th, 2008 12:01 am (UTC)
I. Just. Words are not enough. The cookie porn killed me.
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 01:28 am (UTC)
Oh! Is this another opportunity for me to resuscitate someone with mouth-to-mouth? XD

I'm glad you liked it!
i_am_the_crime
Mar. 27th, 2008 12:01 am (UTC)
Omg, I love this! XD
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 01:30 am (UTC)
Thank you! =D
rilestar
Mar. 27th, 2008 12:06 am (UTC)
Oh my god. That was too traumatic! I'm so glad they're having cookie!sex in heaven ... I'd been sitting here, hyperventilating, gasping "Oh my god, you killed Johnandrodney! You bastard!" - but then you made it better. Phew.
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 01:33 am (UTC)
DON'T WORRY, I WOULD NEVER KILL RODNEY OR JOHN (AND LEAVE THEM THAT WAY)!! I'm glad I made it better for you. ♥
takemychance
Mar. 27th, 2008 12:07 am (UTC)
This is the best ever. I think I'm in love.
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 01:35 am (UTC)
Hee! *blush* I'm so glad you liked it!
ladyflowdi
Mar. 27th, 2008 12:13 am (UTC)
Oh my God, there are Samoas sitting on my desk, sitting on my desk right now, staring at me accusingly! I can never eat them again.

(Also, you ROCK. Heee!)
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 01:40 am (UTC)
Hee, poor Samoas! XD It's okay, I promise, you can eat them. Rodney is safe in my freezer. Really!

(And THANK YOU!)
flyingmachine
Mar. 27th, 2008 12:13 am (UTC)
two words:
COOKIE EJACULATE

but it was so appalling i think i died laughing. XD bravo!
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 01:43 am (UTC)
AW REALLY APPALLING? NOT APPEALING? *sniff*

I AM GLAD I MADE YOU LAUGH THOUGH! =D
(no subject) - flyingmachine - Mar. 28th, 2008 12:22 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - hellpenguin - Mar. 28th, 2008 03:49 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - bitter_crimson - Mar. 28th, 2008 03:52 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - flyingmachine - Mar. 28th, 2008 03:56 am (UTC) - Expand
flaming_muse
Mar. 27th, 2008 12:13 am (UTC)
I will never look at a girl scout cookie the same way again! That was so much fun!
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 01:43 am (UTC)
Thank you! I promise they are still safe to eat. ;D
fledmusic
Mar. 27th, 2008 12:16 am (UTC)
OH MY GOD, YOU FINISHED IT!!!

You did so much more with this than I ever could. I had no idea when I posted that random conversation Julie and I had that this would happen! THANK YOU, YOU MADE MY DREAMS COME TRUE!!!

THE MINI MARSHMALLOWS. I STILL CAN'T. HOW DID YOU. WHAT.

*APPLAUSE*
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 12:46 am (UTC)
YOU, darling, YOU GAVE ME ALL THE INSPIRATION! WITHOUT YOU AND MINOR_FIFTH THE COOKIE PORN WOULD NOT EVEN BE A TWINKLE IN ANYONE'S EYE! ILU!

(AND I AM SO, SO PLEASED THAT YOU ENJOYED THE FINAL PROJECT!! Hee, I hope minor_fifth enjoys it also.)
wellowned
Mar. 27th, 2008 12:22 am (UTC)
here by way of mckay_sheppard...

I LOVE THIS WITH A LOVE YOU CAN'T IMAGINE. it's hilarious and good and i'm seriously craving some girl scout cookies right now cause i always was a sucker for john sheppard thin mints.

also... i feel dirty for thinking that cookie!porn is hot. dammit.
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 01:52 am (UTC)
THIN MINTS ARE MY FAVORITE. DON'T TELL RODNEY, THOUGH.

Hahaha, I think I had a little too much fun making the porny parts. XD I'm glad you liked them!
spuffyduds
Mar. 27th, 2008 12:24 am (UTC)
Oh dear Lord. This is incredible.

The little marshmallow! BWAH HAH HAH.
bitter_crimson
Mar. 27th, 2008 01:59 am (UTC)
HAY! I don't think John would appreciate you calling you marshmallow little. ;p

Thank you so much!
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( 1014 Comments — Comment )